So let’s take a look at coffee.
It is drank by most people in the US, but more specifically, it is the beverage of choice for American factory workers – the badass dudes that drink away their wages after work, smoke cigarettes, and get into fights without even thinking twice. And then we have espresso, the drink sipped so delicately by European dandies (as all Europeans are dandies to some extent) and artists. Where factory workers get into fights and don’t think twice, the artists over here tend to over-think the entire thing – turning a punch to the face into an allegory for the connectedness of the world or the human condition or some such rot – though they do love cigarettes just as much as their blue-collar nemeses.
At first it’s hard to tell which drink would win in a fight, but after some thought, one is led to the inevitable conclusion. There aren’t too many differences between the two – they do come from the same plant, after all, but the differences exist, and they do matter. Coffee is generally seen as the drink with the most street cred – you can drink it black, or if you don’t like hair on your chest, you can drink it with some cream or sugar or both, but at the same time it isn’t very pretentious. Espresso on the other hand, can be made into a thousand different variations – cappuccinos, lattes, macchiatos…all of which carry some pretence and imply a weak character. Hot milk and little dollops of froth? Come on. However, and this is one of the major points, straight espresso is blacker than the blackest coffee, and is often criticized as being “too strong” for many a man.
Moving on, one might notice that espresso drinks are stereotypically had by the upper class of society, while coffee is one reserved for the middle and lower classes. This next bit should have been obvious from the start: the battle between coffee and espresso is a manifestation of the class war prophesied by Marx and Engels. You might be inclined to proclaim something like: “Oh, so coffee is the clear winner!” but your naiveté would soon collapse as you realize that the battle between the proletariat and the bourgeoisie has not often been favourable for the working man.
Sure, there have been advancements in health care, social security (which isn’t looking so hot nowadays), and labor unions, but I think that we all know who’s really winning the war so far: the bourgeoisie. Point one: the bourgeoisie have always been winning. Point two: the gap between rich and poor is getting bigger – meaning that society is regressing back into the glory days where men were men and serfs were serfs and the source of much hilarity.
Not that I oppose some good old fashioned communism, but really, the end of the Cold War was pretty anti-climactic.
Well, that’s about–wait, you’re wondering about the proletarian revolution and the brutal violence that will be done to the enemies of the people? Breaking the chains of oppression…? Yeah, I’ve heard of it. Ah, I see, you’re looking for street brawls. Well, in that case, coffee might win a fight or two, but when espresso calls in the National Guard (you might be thinking of a reverse kind of Tiananmen Square right about now…) the fight will get pretty straightforward.
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