Our homes are not safe. Our children are not safe. Our bakes potatoes haven't got a prayer.
Salt and Pepper have infiltrated the sanctity of our homes. Intimately cozied up to our dinner tables. But like two cats forced into the same apartment - who ever asked salt and pepper if they wanted to spend eternity next to each other? Scratch that. Who ever asked salt and pepper if they wanted to spend eternity next to each other at every kitchen table?
Take a peek at a good old US dollar bill. Nothing more ubiquitous, no? Everyone's got one - maybe 4. Even if it isn't one's legal tender, it's still iconic. Most people in the world could identify one. I wonder how.... maybe it's that goofy eye pyramid on the back. Maybe it's George W. Maybe they're both giant flaming symbols of the Illuminati and Freemasonry. Maybe every American is walking around carrying these symbols unknowingly. Maybe these (this) group has infiltrated every aspect of modern living. Maybe... Maybe we don't eat money.
Even more ubiquitous and perhaps more sinister are salt and pepper. So commonplace that they have ingrained themselves into our rituals of good luck and worse yet: digestion. Salt. Seducing people and dogs and deer with its sultry allure. And pepper! Never far away. Lurking in the shadow of salt and indeed within shadows everywhere. Comfy in its night time camouflage. They know oneanother's secrets. They know the best ways to cut one another down. Variety is key. What better way to outstrip an opponent than to parry with a variety of incarnations. I suppose there's sea salt and there's iodized salt and there's table salt aaaand that's about it. These salt "incarnations" might as well be thought of as salt deformities. They are all perversions of the one true NaCl.
Pepper on the other hand. Well. just look up Wiki's friendly little "list of capsicum cultivars." ZING!
Pepper does seem to be in something of an identity crisis though. What with
and
Hm. Perhaps all that means is Pepper's got his M.D. And ya know what? I say good for him.But this is no easy battle. This is one that has been raging for centuries. And lets not forget (and ponder) how long these foes have lasted and will last.
Both sides have plenty of firepower but they must get exhausted at some point. For salt that would be when all the mine-able salt and all the salt in the oceans is used up. Ok so peppers just gotta wait around for oh something in the ball park of 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 some odd years. Can it wait that long? Well lucky for pepper, that shit is a plant. And no matter how hard we try. Those pesky green things just keep on keepin' on. Plants are renewable. The reproduce asexually. Hell, they even regenerate. REGENERATE did you ever see Heroes? that shits the key. You can never die! Salts got plenty of nasty little tricks too. Let us not forget about. Um. Hypertension! No, or drymouth! Yeah. Two things that don't matter shit for plants. And luck for them, cause I hear salt fights dirty.
get your head out of your ass.
So, when I finish this glass of bourbon or maybe the one after that. I won't be reaching for the chips and salsa. No no, friends. I will be headed toward the saltines. Or better yet - the Gold fish. But you better believe I'm going to bring a club and turn on all the lights on my way. Cause if it came between running into salt or pepper in a dark alley, I'd prefer the former.
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