Apple vs. ¡Español!

Here it is, my friends: a court battle between Apple and the Spanish language. The two bitter rivals haven't been on trial together since the beta release of iTunes.

Prosecuting Attorney: For years now, Spanish speakers the world over have been heedlessly encroaching on Apple's copyrighted territory, using exclamations as if they were rightfully theirs. "What do you mean?" you might ask. "Spanish seems so innocent and so...fun!" Yes, Spanish is fun, but this fun comes at the expense of their innocence. When Spanish gets "fun", copyrights get lost.

You still don't know what I'm talking about? Well, let's have my client here make this a little bit clearer for you.

Apple Representative: Listen, Spanish, we come out with the iPod, we spend millions on trying to find the cutest, most fun sounding name. Then we spend more millions on advertising our new product, our "iPod" - attempting to invoke a positive image of our company whenever a lower-case "i" is placed directly in front of a word. We have "iTunes", whose pronunciation you butchered, "iLink", "iStore", an "iPhone", christ, we even had an "iMac" to combat McDonalds' Big Mac. And then, all of a sudden, we have these...these minorities in the streets shouting "¡Musica!" whilst listening through our sleek white ear-bud headphones. Sure it looks innocent, but look again. And then get someone careless in there who doesn't care about his exclamation point and whether or not it goes adequately past the "M". And, dammit, it has the simplicity...the symmetry that we were looking for.
[Apple Representative breaks down in tears, holding out exhibit A]



[Another Apple Representative steps in]

Apple Rep 2: As you can clearly see, sir, while 1) and 2) look deceptively different, when circumstances change, they can look very similar indeed. Note numbers 3) and 4) and even 1) and 3). Virtually the same thing.

Judge: Yes, well, this looks rather convincing. Español, what do you have to say in your defense?

[Spanish looks up, still twirling his large, curly moustache. The sombrero he wears casts a shadow over his tanned and naturally dark skin. His hair is the color of ground coffee. Good lord. He speaks slowly and with an unheard of and almost unimaginable passion. Unheard of, that is, until now.]

Español: Cuando el café es tostado en las ollas grandes--

Judge: Español, speak in English or you will be held in contempt of the court and declared guilty by default.

Apple Rep. 2: And keep in mind we'd be willing to license an inexclusive use of the upside-down exclamation point if you agree to a certain set of conditions and stipulations renewable every 5 years...

Español: Mi amigo, Juan Valdez, fue un hombre muy respetable. De nada él vendrá, y por la gracia de la divina providencia--

Judge: Alright, this is bullshit. Spanish. You lose. You are no longer allowed to use exclamations of any sort.

Español: ¡Aiie! ¡Dios mio! ¡La belleza del hombre que hecho una tassa de café perfecta!

Apple Rep 1 [screaming]: Arrgh! An iDios! Brilliant!

Judge: That's enough, Spanish. Take 'im away, boys.

Español: Cuando una buena tassa de cafe esta preparado, la aroma se viaja por el nariz y...
[Voice fades as Español is dragged away]